My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
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*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice