I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
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An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.