My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
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Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
bad
worse
worst
worchester