everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
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Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.