Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
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#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
wow
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Who.
Did.
This?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃