My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
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me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work