911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
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GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
If you are reading this then you are reading this
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.