I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
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When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.