Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
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“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
asked my bf how work was today
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
it’s the silliest best thing
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.