Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
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I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.