I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
You Might Also Like
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head