“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
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Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.