I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
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At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
anyone else like Italian cereal
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.