I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
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*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
secret recipe
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count