people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
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Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
58.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
You had me at “define legal”.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out