My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
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One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
just witnessed a drug deal
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.