ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
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[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.