mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
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Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks