My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
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Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
somebody come look at this
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard