After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
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[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Anyone want a chair?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them