God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
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him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.