My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
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ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
A bold strategy
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*