So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
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Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
🚲+physics = winner
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
my retirement plan is braless
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop