*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
You Might Also Like
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.