[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
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NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”