My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
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Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Order here:
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Bread puns are on the rise!
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero