Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
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Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call