My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
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If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”