[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
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imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?