WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
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“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Nothing.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.