Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
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Employees must applaud the planets.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf