Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
You Might Also Like
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.