Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
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Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Our lord and savoury.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body