*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
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The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday