In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
You Might Also Like
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
God has left this place
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead