[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
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When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Doctors texting each other.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Breaking news:
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah