“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
britain’s three elite institutions
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin