My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
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Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn