omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.