DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
💁🏻♂️