Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
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I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
that wasn’t the question
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.