Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
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Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I can’t be the only one 😂
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow