You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
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Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]