went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
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Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Jupiter
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy