High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
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I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.