Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
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DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
A completely valid reaction tbh
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone