– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
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Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Me when someone tries to get to know me
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.