Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
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Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Me as a therapist: omg same
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.