my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
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My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
The glory of fall.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*