If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
You Might Also Like
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
#Caturday
*updates tinder bio*
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.